No More Wishes

Sometimes I wish I could take you back to the point before it all happened. You know, the moment where the direction of your future rested on one critical decision. I can almost see your distress and confusion about how to proceed. I wish I could’ve been there to turn you around, look directly into your eyes and say, “This is NOT the only option. You have other choices.” And perhaps even back then, you would’ve chosen me.

When you wish…

I wish I could’ve shown you what was to come. I’d describe for you the inevitable frustrations and faulty relationships that were just a waste of your time. I would’ve told you about the one who’d break your heart and leave you wounded and guarded. Hopefully, my words would help you envision a better future and together we’d figure out how to obtain it. I would’ve told you to wait. Be patient. I would’ve told you that you have time and that someone better will come along. I would’ve told you that even if now was not the right time for us, I would wait for you.

I was thinking about this the other day when we were talking, and I realized that everything you’ve experienced in life has made you who you are today. And then I thought about the fact that you’re in my life right now, and I wonder if things had actually gone differently, there’s a chance we might never have met. How do you even hold onto the regret of losing something you never had? It’s quite possible that our paths wouldn’t have crossed and I wouldn’t even know you… there would be no occasion to think about you or your past. I would be completely oblivious to the wonder that you bring to my life. That’s when I stopped and told myself…

No more wishes.

Strong Resolve

I only have one new year’s resolution… to cultivate healthy relationships.

We are relational by nature and we do ourselves a disservice to think “likes” “hearts” or “follows” will ever replace conversation and spending time with one another. So in 2014, the priority is making sure my family and friends know they are loved demonstratively.

Believe

I didn’t believe you when you said that time could heal all wounds.
Scars hardened and deep.
New cuts still inflictable.
The more I tried to cover them, the more obvious they became.

I didn’t believe you when you promised to never leave me.
It must be too hard to keep.
Others have broken it, incapable.
I’m skeptical to a fault. My actions influencing a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I didn’t believe you when your many kisses told me you wanted me.
It was too wide a leap.
Faith and self-esteem conflictable.
Why would you be different than the others who’ve come before you?

I didn’t believe you when you innocently wished me sweet dreams.
For when I dream, I weep.
My nights are unstable.
The culmination of every suppressed memory I’ve tried my best to forget.

I didn’t believe…
…but you healed my wounds.
…and you stuck around.
…and your desire never waned.
…and with you I’ve slept sound.

I just wish I’d believed you sooner.

by Myxl Dove
© 2009 Browel Publishing

Slow Down!

Is it just me, or don’t most people prefer to get to know someone over time? I mean, if you meet someone for the first time and you’re starting a relationship (dating or otherwise), isn’t part of the fun discovering new things about him or her as time passes?

Let’s try a scenario… Say I’m goin’ on a date with this girl… I’ll call her Bizzarabeth (Beth for short).
Okay, so Beth and I head out on our date… when I first met her at a mutual friend’s birthday party, everyone was calling her Beth so I call her Beth. On our way to dinner we make idle chatter and she mentions that her actual given name is Bizzarabeth. After successfully masking my initial shock with a throat-clearing cough, I tell her my name is Myxllence Doviticus. She does a double-take to see if I’m joking and then laughs in disbelief. I tell her I was kidding, but now the ice is broken and we’ve both loosened up. Now see, THAT kind of info is cool…no problem… no real big horror stories or traumatic life experiences.

Now let’s try another scenario…
I go to pick up Bizzarabeth from her house. I ring the doorbell and she invites me in while she gets her coat. Several people are sitting around watching TV in the den so she escorts me into the room to introduce me to everyone.

“Everyone, this is Myxl Dove” she smiles and begins to point as we move around the room.

“Myxl… that’s my father on the couch with the amputated leg… he’s a war veteran. My mom is the one sitting next to him nursing the oxygen tank.” Then she whispers, “She’s got emphysema cause she smokes so much!” I arch a brow and remain silent.

“That’s my brother. Ugh! …the 16 year old jail bird!” she says with disgust. “He’s a part-time crack dealer too.” She looks at me with earnest eyes, “If you get a chance maybe you can talk some sense into him?” She smiles and continues to lead me around the room. I force a smile, but my mind is sufficiently blown at this point.

“Over there is my baby sister.” She points at what appears to be a 4 year-old zombie in a playpen near the kitchen. “She’s blind in one eye cause my mom drank heavily during the pregnancy. Oh! That reminds me! How long will we be out?? I’m wondering if we can stop by the pharmacy to pick up my dad’s Viagra prescription before it closes?”

At this point I would most likely provide any outlandish excuse to get out of there as soon as possible. It’s not so much that her family has issues, most families do. The concern is that you don’t drop all this heavy info on someone you’ve just met. I’d rather find out about your dysfunctional family after I’ve built a strong foundation of friendship and/or love for you. You should never be anxious when cultivating a relationship… allow it to grow in it’s own time. Some people you automatically feel like you’ve known forever… some people you feel as if you’ll never know…

DOVE NOTE #53: Distances

(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

Now I’ll be the first to say that having your own personal time/space or whatever you call it, when in a relationship is essential. Whether it be a Moms Night Out or a Guys Poker Night, these only tend to be brief stints of individuality (and sadly few and far between).  Is anything wrong with wanting/having this space? Absolutely not. It’s actually healthy to have ongoing scheduled times when you’re not joined at the hip with your partner. However, there will be times in most marriages (or any relationship, for that matter) when you’ll spend an extended period of time apart from the person you love. It could be due to a business trip that will last a few days, or perhaps you’re traveling solo for a family event like a wedding, birthday or funeral, or it could even be something as simple as volunteering to chaperone your kid’s camping trip or church retreat. Whatever the case may be, the result is being away from your significant other for days at a time.

Now I’m sure most people have heard the old adage “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Well, I want to turn that saying on its head! Distance, in and of itself, will NOT necessarily make the heart grow fonder. When people make this statement, they really should add a disclaimer that says “Only if certain conditions are met.” Because the truth is that being away from someone doesn’t make them miss you if you ignore them, it only serves to make them angry. 😉 Okay, okay… what am I getting at? It’s simple. You have a better chance of the heart growing fonder if you’re proactive about planning for the time you’re away. Here are just a few suggestions…

1.    You can leave brief love notes around the house or anywhere your S.O. will find them periodically while you’re gone. They don’t have to be long. Just something like leaving a note on her pillow that says, “You’ll be in my dreams tonight.” Or another note on the dashboard of her car that says, “At this very moment, I’m imagining myself sitting next to you, holding your hand.” You can call it corny if you like, but this simple deed will speak volumes about your love for her because of the obvious forethought that went into the planning and writing.

2.    You could have one (or more) of your S.O.’s favorite items delivered to the house by a family member or mutual friend while you’re away. And it doesn’t have to be expensive. For example, if she likes chocolate and books, have her mother stop by the first day with Hershey’s Kisses (or Godiva if you roll like that) and say, “He wanted me to make sure you had something sweet.” Then on the second day, have her best friend drop off a book she’s been dying to read with a bookmark made from a picture of you two. And so on and so forth…

3.    Plan phone dates ahead of time, letting her know when you’re going to call or Skype each night you’re apart. It’ll be something to look forward to and it lets her know that regardless of where you are, she’s still the most important person in your life. Never forget that simple consideration goes a L O N G way in maintaining the spark in a relationship. 😉

While these are just a few suggestions, there are many ways to show your ongoing love and devotion to someone when you can’t be face to face. This can be especially important for those with spouses in the military who can be deployed for months at a time. In the grand scheme of things, this type of preparation is a relatively small effort to put forth to ensure that your S.O. never feels undervalued or forgotten when you’re apart… and when you really love someone, isn’t it worth it? 🙂