Posts Tagged With: heart

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You don’t know me.

And I don’t know you. I mean, not really.

You may know the things that I choose to reveal about myself. It’s usually the best parts of me (though I’ve been known to be quite transparent with the not-so-best parts of me as well) that I share. But if someone were to ask you to tell them about me, you really wouldn’t be able to rattle off much more than what I’ve listed in my profile. Sure, you could browse my blog or stalk my Facebook account, and maybe make a few guesses about what my taste in music or movies must say about me. But they would only be guesses. And more often than not, you’d be wrong.

For the longest time I’ve been rather careful about getting to know people and allowing them to get to know me. See, I have a history that includes a pretty severe wounding of the heart. So I’m not very keen on putting myself out there in a way that might reopen that wound. Unfortunately, my passions run deep and I tend to be, what one friend calls “emotionally progressive”. Rare in men, so I’m told. Among other things, this means that my heart can become vulnerable to the inconsiderate actions of others if I make an effort to get to know them. I’ve done that with very few people over the years. It amazes me how the pursuit of friendship can be liberating on one end, and weaponized on the other.

Interpersonal relationships should come with a standard label that states, “WARNING: Result may vary.”

Some of these people have become like siblings. Some of them are like my kids. And some of them are… well, something altogether different. But all of them have had an impact on me to varying degrees. My affections are at times painfully genuine. Sometimes to my own detriment. So I’ve learned to protect my heart a little bit more fiercely than I did before. It’s not that I don’t want people to know me, but sometimes I’m not entirely convinced I can afford to allow them.

I’m not a fan of heartache, confusion or misunderstandings. To avoid such calamity, it would make more sense to just keep everyone at arm’s length. It’s sad to me because many people I’ve met are deeply intriguing and I’d love to discover more about them. But this has brought me to the dispirited conclusion that the further away from them I stay, the less likely I am to get hurt if/when they implode.

I don’t know what bevy of circumstances has made them the way they are. They could’ve grown up in abject poverty, or could be the spoiled product of wealthy hands-off parents, raised by a bilingual nanny. They could be a recent parolee from a botched extortion attempt, or an as-yet-to-be-captured professional con artist. They could literally live across the street, or across the ocean. My point is that I won’t know them all that well, and they won’t know me. Unfortunately, past experiences have a tendency to make people gun shy. So I may never know them the way that I wish I could.

Hmm… I don’t even know what the point was of this post. Venting? Purging? Meh. That’s all I’ve got for today.

Categories: opinion, personal, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Familiar Fiends


I suffer the company of these aged emotions
decrepit familiar fiends who were once close friends
I invite them back for retellings of the same stories
that become increasingly harder to endure
at the Table of Wishes that will never come true.

I fight the logic of asking them to leave
against the illusion of my better judgment
which they drain from me daily
fully knowing the time will inevitably come
when their folly will trump my sensibility.

My heart feels ransacked by their sharp words
leaving the remnants to rattle like dice in the hands of a gambler
tiny fissures form in my willingness to stay silent
opening my thoughts to counter-productive actions
and through these holes my sorrow seeps through.

There is no end to the stories they tell
even though the dénouement has yet to be written
existing as a cliffhanger taken to an author’s grave
while still I hold on to a fading hope
preserved and prepared as an enticement for their next visit.

They vanish with a grumble of their final piercing words
without so much as a cursory glance in my direction
and no evident concern for my growing estrangement
because they know with certainty
that I will call upon their company once again.

By Myxl Dove
©2020 Mythic Elf Publishing

Categories: poetry, writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No More Wishes


Sometimes I wish I could take you back to the point before it all happened. You know, the moment where the direction of your future rested on one critical decision. I can almost see your distress and confusion about how to proceed. I wish I could’ve been there to turn you around, look directly into your eyes and say, “This is NOT the only option. You have other choices.” And perhaps even back then, you would’ve chosen me.

When you wish…

I wish I could’ve shown you what was to come. I’d describe for you the inevitable frustrations and faulty relationships that were just a waste of your time. I would’ve told you about the one who’d break your heart and leave you wounded and guarded. Hopefully, my words would help you envision a better future and together we’d figure out how to obtain it. I would’ve told you to wait. Be patient. I would’ve told you that you have time and that someone better will come along. I would’ve told you that even if now was not the right time for us, I would wait for you.

I was thinking about this the other day when we were talking, and I realized that everything you’ve experienced in life has made you who you are today. And then I thought about the fact that you’re in my life right now, and I wonder if things had actually gone differently, there’s a chance we might never have met. How do you even hold onto the regret of losing something you never had? It’s quite possible that our paths wouldn’t have crossed and I wouldn’t even know you… there would be no occasion to think about you or your past. I would be completely oblivious to the wonder that you bring to my life. That’s when I stopped and told myself…

No more wishes.

Categories: marriage, personal, relationships, stories | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

InspirationaList


You know what/who inspires me…???

  • …people who blog without feeling obligated to entertain. They write from the heart and their wit and intellect is evident without being contrived.
  • …watching someone pay it forward. For instance, I make it a point when driving to allow space for cars attempting to merge into traffic. It costs me nothing except maybe 5 seconds of my time. Down the road, I’ll sometimes see that same car give the right of way to a pedestrian or another vehicle and I smile.
  • …receiving awesome messages from new readers who tell me how they can relate to, or may have been moved by, something I wrote.
  • …people with amazing talent who seem to do things with ease that I couldn’t do if my life depended on it!
  • …people who have taken the time to encourage my gifts, whether it be my music or my writing. I will always value and appreciate the feedback.
  • …my friends who I can count on for prayer and support when I’m hitting a rough patch. Thank you to my forever family.
Categories: opinion, personal | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pull Of The Cape


Ever since I was a teenager I wanted to be a HEROcool Not the kind of super hero who foiled the plans of criminal masterminds with my single bound tall building leaps, locomotive power and bullet speed. Not necessarily the kind of hero who safely retrieved POW’s from deep in enemy territory.

No.

I wanted to be a kind of machismo-infused hero, rescuing contemporary “damsels in distress” who, in my limited experience at the age of 16, were so often the victims of relationships gone horribly wrong. The tales I’d hear of betrayal, degradation and distress from some of my female friends angered me, but also filled me with compassion and an overwhelming desire to comfort them in some way.

So it was that I wanted to be that stand-up guy who came along and mended their broken hearts by being to them what other men could or would not. Fulfilling their unrealized expectations. I wanted to fix the traumatized emotions of all the disappointed and disillusioned women I knew.

Ha! As if that were even possible.

As you can probably surmise, this was not at ALL practical or realistic. Still, it took me a long time to realize that, though I had the best of intentions, I simply couldn’t save everyone.

Correction…

I couldn’t save anyone. bummed

Except one.

To that one, I endeavored to define a man who successfully balanced his testosterone-influenced emotions with chivalry, romance and an understanding of authority. I made a silent promise to show her what it meant to be a modern-day hero upon whom she could always rely, trust and rest her confidence. I made a similar promise to my only daughter so that winning her heart would require the power and determination that only a hero possessed.

And yet, even now I will occasionally feel the “pull of the cape” begging to be worn when I talk to my female friends who are miserable and misunderstood. I refrain because I understood a long time ago that trying to be that for more than one woman would actually mean being that for no one. What I mean is that every woman deserves the undivided attention of the man who holds their heart. My divided attention would be both hypocritical and ineffective.

So for those, I simply listen with a sympathetic ear and an encouraging smile. And hope that one day THEIR hero will appear.

Categories: personal, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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