Posts Tagged With: heart

BROKEN


Ughhhhhhh!!!!!! 😩

My heart hurts. My mind is full of anger, confusion, and worry. I want to CRY and SCREAM and RUN and FIGHT… and hide, all at the same time. As I told someone else, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to engage with people right now. So there will be no debate here. You either hear me, or you don’t. But that’s up to you. What I know is that I have been unable to sleep, and in my time of reflection, there have been myriad thoughts swirling around in my mind. Up until now, I have not spoken freely. But this must change.

And so, I will no longer remain silent.

To say that we reside in a nation divided, would be an understatement. It hinges upon readily observed and documented injustice, along with a perceived hopelessness, perpetuated by the repeated occurrences of mistrust, brutality, prejudice, and discrimination that I fear have now come to define the character of our country, to its citizens as well as the rest of the world.

These attributes have been affixed to the very nature of who we are as a population, brought about by the actions of those who have been appointed, and thereby obligated, to be the benevolent and compassionate custodians of liberty, safety, and justice for all.

But somewhere along the way, the vision was lost, or perhaps it was intentionally discarded.

We have become a nation in which the pursuit of wealth and success comes at the cost of compassion and consideration of others. We are teaching our children that it is socially acceptable to be selfish and obtain their definition of happiness by any means necessary. And in so doing, I fear we have developed a culture that prizes possessions over principle, money over morality, and status over solidarity. In a country whose very name embodies cohesion and promotes collaboration, The United States of America, we now seem to encourage divisiveness and egocentric aspirations.

We have been broken.
Broken promises.
Broken relationships.
Broken trust.
Brokenhearted.

I’m not sure how much more my heart and mind can endure. I used to think that civil dialogue could help heal the wounds between us. But in this current civilization, civility is not always possible. I learned a long time ago that people motived by feelings, who take action before considering the consequences of those actions, are NOT interested in talking. They are only interested in purging their emotions by any means necessary. There is no reasoning with them.

But I’m tired.

Tired of being the black man who is all too conscious of the fact that wearing glasses makes me appear less threatening. Tired of being the one who some people point to as the example of a “good black person” (wth is that anyway??). Tired of being the father who is constantly updating the Minority Rules of Social Engagement, and reinforcing them to his fives sons and one daughter, as a contingency against the very real possibility that their lives could one day depend on them.

I am a black man in America. And to some, that means I am a life without value. Disposable.

But my life has value as much as any other human being. And I will do everything lawfully within my power to uphold that right and recognize that value, in myself and others.

As I sit here in tears, I’m thinking about how I used to avoid making such precise statements about my feelings for fear of people misunderstanding me, unfriending me or taking offense. But I will say this without reservation, your approval of me will never be worth more than the welfare and well-being of my family. I’m committed to finding solutions and taking action. But I will not sit idly by while the world descends into chaos.

If I lose friends over this… ask yourself, were we really friends?

Categories: commentary, current events, opinion, personal | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Results May Vary


You don’t know me.

And I don’t know you. I mean, not really.

You may know the things that I choose to reveal about myself. It’s usually the best parts of me (though I’ve been known to be quite transparent with the not-so-best parts of me as well) that I share. But if someone were to ask you to tell them about me, you really wouldn’t be able to rattle off much more than what I’ve listed in my profile. Sure, you could browse my blog or stalk my Facebook account, and maybe make a few guesses about what my taste in music or movies must say about me. But they would only be guesses. And more often than not, you’d be wrong.

For the longest time I’ve been rather careful about getting to know people and allowing them to get to know me. See, I have a history that includes a pretty severe wounding of the heart. So I’m not very keen on putting myself out there in a way that might reopen that wound. Unfortunately, my passions run deep and I tend to be, what one friend calls “emotionally progressive”. Rare in men, so I’m told. Among other things, this means that my heart can become vulnerable to the inconsiderate actions of others if I make an effort to get to know them. I’ve done that with very few people over the years. It amazes me how the pursuit of friendship can be liberating on one end, and weaponized on the other.

Interpersonal relationships should come with a standard label that states, “WARNING: Result may vary.”

Some of these people have become like siblings. Some of them are like my kids. And some of them are… well, something altogether different. But all of them have had an impact on me to varying degrees. My affections are at times painfully genuine. Sometimes to my own detriment. So I’ve learned to protect my heart a little bit more fiercely than I did before. It’s not that I don’t want people to know me, but sometimes I’m not entirely convinced I can afford to allow them.

I’m not a fan of heartache, confusion or misunderstandings. To avoid such calamity, it would make more sense to just keep everyone at arm’s length. It’s sad to me because many people I’ve met are deeply intriguing and I’d love to discover more about them. But this has brought me to the dispirited conclusion that the further away from them I stay, the less likely I am to get hurt if/when they implode.

I don’t know what bevy of circumstances has made them the way they are. They could’ve grown up in abject poverty, or could be the spoiled product of wealthy hands-off parents, raised by a bilingual nanny. They could be a recent parolee from a botched extortion attempt, or an as-yet-to-be-captured professional con artist. They could literally live across the street, or across the ocean. My point is that I won’t know them all that well, and they won’t know me. Unfortunately, past experiences have a tendency to make people gun shy. So I may never know them the way that I wish I could.

Hmm… I don’t even know what the point was of this post. Venting? Purging? Meh. That’s all I’ve got for today.

Categories: opinion, personal, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Familiar Fiends


I suffer the company of these aged emotions
decrepit familiar fiends who were once close friends
I invite them back for retellings of the same stories
that become increasingly harder to endure
at the Table of Wishes that will never come true.

I fight the logic of asking them to leave
against the illusion of my better judgment
which they drain from me daily
fully knowing the time will inevitably come
when their folly will trump my sensibility.

My heart feels ransacked by their sharp words
leaving the remnants to rattle like dice in the hands of a gambler
tiny fissures form in my willingness to stay silent
opening my thoughts to counter-productive actions
and through these holes my sorrow seeps through.

There is no end to the stories they tell
even though the dénouement has yet to be written
existing as a cliffhanger taken to an author’s grave
while still I hold on to a fading hope
preserved and prepared as an enticement for their next visit.

They vanish with a grumble of their final piercing words
without so much as a cursory glance in my direction
and no evident concern for my growing estrangement
because they know with certainty
that I will call upon their company once again.

By Myxl Dove
©2020 Mythic Elf Publishing

Categories: poetry, writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No More Wishes


Sometimes I wish I could take you back to the point before it all happened. You know, the moment where the direction of your future rested on one critical decision. I can almost see your distress and confusion about how to proceed. I wish I could’ve been there to turn you around, look directly into your eyes and say, “This is NOT the only option. You have other choices.” And perhaps even back then, you would’ve chosen me.

When you wish…

I wish I could’ve shown you what was to come. I’d describe for you the inevitable frustrations and faulty relationships that were just a waste of your time. I would’ve told you about the one who’d break your heart and leave you wounded and guarded. Hopefully, my words would help you envision a better future and together we’d figure out how to obtain it. I would’ve told you to wait. Be patient. I would’ve told you that you have time and that someone better will come along. I would’ve told you that even if now was not the right time for us, I would wait for you.

I was thinking about this the other day when we were talking, and I realized that everything you’ve experienced in life has made you who you are today. And then I thought about the fact that you’re in my life right now, and I wonder if things had actually gone differently, there’s a chance we might never have met. How do you even hold onto the regret of losing something you never had? It’s quite possible that our paths wouldn’t have crossed and I wouldn’t even know you… there would be no occasion to think about you or your past. I would be completely oblivious to the wonder that you bring to my life. That’s when I stopped and told myself…

No more wishes.

Categories: marriage, personal, relationships, stories | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

InspirationaList


You know what/who inspires me…???

  • …people who blog without feeling obligated to entertain. They write from the heart and their wit and intellect is evident without being contrived.
  • …watching someone pay it forward. For instance, I make it a point when driving to allow space for cars attempting to merge into traffic. It costs me nothing except maybe 5 seconds of my time. Down the road, I’ll sometimes see that same car give the right of way to a pedestrian or another vehicle and I smile.
  • …receiving awesome messages from new readers who tell me how they can relate to, or may have been moved by, something I wrote.
  • …people with amazing talent who seem to do things with ease that I couldn’t do if my life depended on it!
  • …people who have taken the time to encourage my gifts, whether it be my music or my writing. I will always value and appreciate the feedback.
  • …my friends who I can count on for prayer and support when I’m hitting a rough patch. Thank you to my forever family.
Categories: opinion, personal | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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