Posts Tagged With: honest

DOVE NOTE #19: Like Fine Wine


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes “)

Like fine wine, some things only get better with time…

I like talking about my wife. Mostly because I’m hopelessly in love with her, and my interactions with her provide ongoing fodder for, among other things, my blog and my book.  But I’ve had people ask me, “What do you mean when you say you’re hopelessly in love with her?” Oh, well let me explain…

Being hopelessly in love means that there is no hope for my love for her ever changing.  She’s got my heart sewn up and it’s safely tucked away in her care. She and I work very hard to define our relationship as one that gets better as the days go by. We actively pursue peace through honest assessment and vulnerability. She knows the areas where I fall down and helps me get back up again.

We believe that success includes being able to own your mistakes. When you make excuses for something you’ve done, whether or not it was intentional, you rob yourself  and your partner of the opportunity to work together to modify future behavior and prevent it from happening again. Accountability also allows you to celebrate your accomplishments together. If I’ve overcome a paralyzing fear of public speaking through her encouragement, support and nudging, it becomes a victory not only for me, but for her as well. Being transparent with someone is not a simple thing to do, but it is possible and the rewards are endless. Better communication. Better understanding of our needs. Better intimacy. The list goes on…

In many relationships, it’s not enough to be intelligent, beautiful, outgoing or talented. Nope. Those things are great. But what matters most of all is personality and character compatibility. See, you can have two relatively nice people who both enjoy music and dancing. But life experience, coupled with how they were raised… whether or not they have siblings… how they get along with their parents… and personal temptations (money, alcohol, attention, etc) can all have an adverse affect. One person’s tendencies can push another person’s buttons.

For example, let’s say a guy grew up in a family that consistently avoided conflict by ignoring the obvious elephant in the room. The girl comes from a family that addresses conflict immediately so that it doesn’t fester and become a bigger problem. Put the two of them together and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. While she pushes for communication, he will constantly blow off having an uncomfortable conversation. She feels ignored. He feels pressured. Do they still share the same interests? Sure. Do they find each other attractive? Of course. But unless this issue is dealt with, the relationship becomes unhealthy and eventually unsustainable. It’s another sad case of good people who unfortunately weren’t good together.

It’s all about finding compatibility with someone who is equally committed to creating a healthy relationship. And no, it’s not automatic. It takes time, effort and patience. But the end result is becoming another couple that’s hopelessly in love. 😉

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Categories: Dove Note, intimacy, marriage, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DOVE NOTE #5: Get A Foothold


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

There is a universal truth among most women: They love to have their feet massaged. You don’t believe me? Ask any woman if she’d rather have chocolate or have a deep foot massage. Yeah, it’s that serious. I tell you, if it were possible, they would require it every night before bed, and every morning as they awaken.

Giving a woman a foot massage has several benefits. I will attempt to point out just a few of the more important ones, but I assure you this list is long.

  1. It’s a level of intimacy that men don’t readily comprehend. This is an erogenous zone for women. If she asks you to rub her feet, she’s inviting you into her personal space. This can sometimes be considered foreplay, but this should NEVER be assumes. Sometimes, her feet just hurt.
  2. It’s a clear indication of her level of comfort with you. Some women can be very self-conscious about their feet… how they look, the shape of their toes, whether or not they have an odor. She wants to know that she can trust you with an issue of hygiene and feel supported. She is also wondering exactly how honest you’re willing to be. Be careful with that one…
  3. It relieves her stress… almost completely. The work day could have been grueling and brutal to her, but coming home and being able to place her feet in your strong capable hands makes her feel 100 times better. It’s you loving her in a demonstrative way.

So the next time you’re sitting on the couch with her and she swings her legs over to plop her little piggies onto your lap, gesturing toward your hands… just know that she is communicating far more than a simple request. You’re holding the keys to the kingdom.

Categories: Dove Note, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Seasonal Relationships


(Don’t mind me, I’m just unloading my thoughts…)

I’m always amazed by how much things can change in such a short period of time. Back when I was really active online, either blogging, chatting or emailing, I made some really good friends. People I admire, respect and value. Maintaining relationships of any kind require effort and I try to make sure that people know that they’re important to me.

So yesterday I sent a friend of mine a message on Facebook saying that I miss them and we need to catch up because it’s been far too long since we’ve chatted. Now this person is someone I would talk to fairly regularly in the past. We’d grown close to the point that we would even exchange holiday cards throughout the year. Of course, when life gets in the way then days between chats turn into weeks that turn into months until eventually I couldn’t remember the last time we actually talked. I was so happy when they responded with enthusiasm about us MAKING time to reconnect with one another! I’m looking forward to it.

That being said, there are still a couple people who used to be friends of mine that are friends no longer. Now if it were simply a matter of time between contact or some sort of escalated disagreement, I would totally understand. But these people left my life for reasons that they still haven’t chosen to reveal to me. Now I know that some relationships are only for a season as people come and go from our lives. I realized a long time ago that I will never please everyone and there will be times when I offend people unintentionally. But for me, it helps to at least know why a season with a particular person has passed. Especially if there has been some unknown offense from which I might learn and grow.

In spite of feeling like there’s never enough time in a day, I really do value my relationships with other people and what they add to my life. I’m not one of those people who need constant affirmation and will do anything to get it (I have a wife for that) 😉 But there are times when I just need to understand what is taking place. I don’t have to be your best friend, but I at least want to be a good friend. The only way that can happen is if we communicate with one another if there are issues that need to be addressed.

What prompted this post is that I happened to read a message from one of these former friends this morning. They were wishing me a happy birthday in 2010 and hoped I had a splendid day. The message finished with a P.S. saying that we needed to catch up… and eventually we did. But a few months later all communication from this person stopped. When I tried to ask them what happened, all my attempts to contact this person were ignored for weeks until finally they responded saying that they didn’t want to tell me right then. That was nearly a year ago.

Over the past year I’ve sent out an olive branch message every few months or so, hoping to find out what happened. But to date it has proven unsuccessful. I could understand if this person were extremely busy, but we have mutual friends with whom they continue to interact. I can only assume that there’s an issue between us personally. But the only way I can become a better person is for others to point out the areas in which I might improve. I hope someday to at least have an answer for what has taken place, because this feels uncomfortably unfinished.

So if you and I are currently friends, I only ask that you promise to be honest with me about how you feel. If you feel that I haven’t given our relationship enough attention, let me know. You’re in my life for a reason and I want you to understand your value and place in my heart.

Categories: personal, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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