Posts Tagged With: Dove Note

DOVE NOTE #67 – Murder of the Mood


Okay men, raise your hand (or simply nod in sullen agreement) if you’ve even had one of those days where you and your wife have been eying each other up all day. Flirty text messages flying back and forth.¬† Leaving little notes around the house full of cryptic innuendo. Wearing her favorite fragrance. Having brief conversations on the phone full of titillating descriptives. All of this in anticipation of getting intimately skinected to one another later. And then…

You ask a brainless question about her choice of clothing, or make a sideways statement about weight whose context is misconstrued, or simply fail to see, remember or do something rather important and BAM! You’ve killed the mood and sex is abruptly OFF the table… for the evening, possible for the week depending on the severity of the crime. Of course, you feel blindsided and you have no idea how you went from the Playboy Penthouse to the Devil’s Dog House. ūüė¶

If this sounds familiar, just know that you’re not alone. There are many men who have inadvertently murdered an otherwise amorous mood. I call these moments instances of “Sudden Libido Disruption“. Sometimes the SLD is so great, the rift now between you so wide, that there is usually little chance of recovery, if any.

So how do you avoid the relational faux pas that result in SLD? Well you have to start of by understanding what has taken place. As I’ve mentioned earlier, for many women intimacy is tied inextricably to the heart and mind. This is why it’s important to keep the focus on the two of you throughout the day. Those breathy phone calls and sexting go a long way to filling her thoughts with being together. A major barrier to arousal is anything that would cause her to become distracted or preoccupied. So you don’t want to introduce any topic, situation or circumstance that might hijack her mind. Mindjackers can manifest in the form of frustrating circumstances (ugh… you didn’t take the garbage out like you promised and now there are ants all over the kitchen!) or financial discussions (wait, I thought YOU were going to pay the gas bill?) or even comments that prompt “futurisms(sigh.. I just have to lose this last 15 pounds before Christmas). It doesn’t even have to be that she’s necessarily mad at you, but the result is the same: SLD.

The bottom line is this… be mindful of what you say and be sensitive to where she’s at emotionally. You won’t lose with healthy doses of encouragement, attention and good ol’ fashioned romance.

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Categories: Dove Note, intimacy, marriage, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

DOVE NOTE #72: A Crying Shame


I was talking to this friend of mine about another gender issue: CRYING. She says it’s good to cry… to let out your emo…blah blah blah. My contention was that no matter what anyone says… what any magazine prints… what any newscast implies… Men Who Cry Are Considered Weak.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s wrong for men to cry. We just do it privately… and for very VERY different reasons. Women can cry for more reasons than there are days of the year… empathy, joy, pain, love, excitement, hatred, anticipation, sex, bitterness, Oprah, and the discontinuation of their favorite brand of panty hose. But (most) men? We only cry publicly for two reasons… we’re dying… or you’re dying. Other than that, we don’t (or won’t rather) cry in front of another person.

The general consensus (I worked for them one summer as an intern at the FEDD Female Emotional Deciphering Department ;-)) is that crying has always been considered a sign of weakness in men… and an expression of, well…¬† femininity in women. A woman’s tears can influence, calm, incite and confuse… and they’ve proven to be most effective on men. But soon as a tear streaks down a guys face without an amputated limb? (even then, it’s questionable :-P) he’s labeled as a softy.

Granted, some women might like soft men, but I’ve heard the saying “A hard man is good to find” (or maybe that was a sexual reference? *shrug*) Anyway, don’t feel bad if I don’t boohoo with you over the series finale of Desperate Housewives. I’m just a man (and I mean that in a good way, mind you). ūüėČ

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DOVE NOTE #24: Love Language


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes “)

I was talking to a friend the other day and he asked me, “So how’s married life?”¬† I told him that this is the absolute happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.¬† And for those who know my history,¬†that’s saying a lot.¬†¬†Because I honestly thought that I would never love or be loved like this… EVER.¬† I was deeply wounded by my last marriage, but even so there was always a part of me that believed in a deep love and still¬†yearned for¬†it.

So, in the beginning of my relationship with¬†Dre,¬†we discussed the importance of demonstrating love and feeling loved.¬† You know… that feeling that tells you beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone truly loves you?¬† It not only provides indisputable proof of your commitment to a person, but it can fan the flames of passion.¬† And who doesn’t appreciate passion, right? ¬† Anyway, we’d heard about the Five Love Languages and decided to find out which one best described our individual needs.

What was most interesting was learning that there were very different ways that made us feel loved.¬†¬†¬† For Dre, nothing says “I love you” more than spending time with her.¬† Sure… I can call her at work and say I love you every day for a month…¬†I can even have elaborate bouquets of flowers delivered to the house every Thursday at 3 o’clock… but for her these things¬†will never replace me actually being with her.

By spending time with her, it communicates to her that she is important to me, and says there’s nothing more important to me right now than her.¬† And we both benefit because it means she wants me around… she enjoys my company.¬† My friend put it best when he said, “She has chosen to love you… not like family who loves you because you’re related, but because she sees something in you that’s valuable.”¬† Amen.

For me, its very different.¬† What lets me know that she loves me is her confidence in me… her support and encouragement.¬† She can give me compliments all day, and even spend time with me, but it doesn’t replace knowing and hearing that she believes in me.¬† If I’ve completed something that I’ve worked hard on and she says, “You did a great job honey,” that’s nice and all, but what would really put me on cloud nine is if while I’m working or planning, for her to say that I’m doing a great job, that she trusts my judgment, that she believes I’m doing the right thing and I’m on the right track.¬† Build my confidence and I’ll feel loved.

With this revelation, we had to rethink what defines things for our relationship like Romance, Intimacy and Consideration.¬† The trick here¬†was remembering that when¬†demonstrating love we can find ourselves only¬†giving what¬†we hope to receive.¬† But with true love, it’s more about communicating what you need and feeling loved when that person sincerely gives it to you.

This year we’ll be celebrating our 8 year wedding anniversary… and I still look at her with wide-eyed disbelief of how incredibly blessed I am to have found her… not someone like her… but HER in particular.

Categories: Dove Note, family, intimacy, marriage, personal, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DOVE NOTE #10: Make The Call


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

I have realized that for some women, talking on the phone is more than just an exchange of words. It is actually a declaration, in no uncertain terms, about their importance and value. Though unspoken, there are several questions that go through a woman’s mind when she calls you, or while she’s on the phone with you. Some of the key questions are these:

1. Will he get off the phone with someone else just to talk to me? (Note: This is a cut & dry issue. Either she’s important, or she isn’t. There is no in between.)

2. If he is busy, will he call me back in the time he told me? (Note: If you say you’ll call her back in 5 minutes, that means 5 minutes. This does not mean 10 minutes, or even 6 minutes. If you are late by more than hour?? DO NOT CALL. Show up with flowers, candy or any other peace offering.)

3. Will he rush me off the phone after 5 minutes of talking. (This is critical. You may not think much of it, but it is considered a major insult.)

4. Is he sincerely listening to me, or is it just a means to an end? (Believe me, they can tell the difference.)

5. Will he stay on the phone until the sun rises, simply because he enjoys talking to me so much? (Oh, you’re tired?? So what! This simply means that you are willing to make sacrifices for her. She needs to know this.)

6. What do we talk about? Him? Me? or Us? (For her, there should be a balance of about 20% him, 40% me, 40% us. This can vary at different times, but you will not lose using this formula)

Phone calls can be critical to relationship stability. Do not take them lightly. If used correctly, they can become mutually beneficial for both of you. Remember, the purpose of the phone call is to connect with each other. Kindling the embers while you are apart, makes it easier to spark the inferno when you’re together.

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DOVE NOTE #22: Feedback


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

For a woman, a comment can almost be akin to foreplay.¬† Women appreciate feedback.¬† They appreciate it more if they don’t have to prompt you first.¬† If she’s lost weight… comment.¬† If she has changed her hair color or length… comment.¬† If she has achieved a goal or any other accomplishment, no matter how trivial it may seem to you… comment.

These observations convey to her how important she is to you.¬† It establishes her value in a way that she will always remember and can often refer to.¬† Also, this gives her bragging rights with her friends, and if you don’t know… this is very beneficial for you.¬† Trust me.

Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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