Posts Tagged With: value

DOVE NOTE #93: Self Worth


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

While talking to my wife one evening, I was explaining to her just how deeply the issue of self-worth can affect a man, and how it will eventually penetrate every aspect of his life. A man who holds a low opinion of his own value will often have corresponding issues related to his work (motivation and ethic), his inter-personal relationships and intimacy (family, friends and colleagues), and even his health (physical fitness and diet).

One of my favorite original quotes is, “You don’t have to be all that you hope to be, in order to be happy with who you are right now”. See, for some men, when things are not how he wants them to be, it’s forever on his mind. He thinks about it…

Every.

Single.

Day.

Multiple times throughout a day.

He tends to think about it more often as soon as he wakes up in the morning and right before he goes to bed at night when there are fewer external distractions. There’s an irritating little voice inside of him that rehearses the ways he hasn’t measured up or has yet to achieve the success he desires. For some men it’s coupled with poor self-image and thoughts of “you’re too short/tall/fat/unattractive/loud/etc”. This inevitably affects his interaction with others, especially those with whom he’s in an intimate relationship. Partly because he doesn’t feel deserving of attention or affection until this distorted perception of himself changes. Because of this, there are men who unintentionally sabotage otherwise healthy relationships with this poison of their own design.

So how do men escape from this perpetuating cycle of misery?

It takes a certain degree of transparency and a willingness to be vulnerable to someone else. It’s important that he find someone he trusts and with whom he can be completely honest. Through this type of accountability, these areas of self-deception can be addressed and resolved to the benefit of everyone he knows. Unfortunately, pride often interferes with this process and some men stay stuck in this place indefinitely. Thankfully, when a man is surrounded by people who genuinely love him in spite of his flaws (because they recognize that we all have them), the trust between them can defeat this pride and finally get him to the place where his internal perception will align with the external reality of being accepted for who he is right now.

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Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

DOVE NOTE #10: Make The Call


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

I have realized that for some women, talking on the phone is more than just an exchange of words. It is actually a declaration, in no uncertain terms, about their importance and value. Though unspoken, there are several questions that go through a woman’s mind when she calls you, or while she’s on the phone with you. Some of the key questions are these:

1. Will he get off the phone with someone else just to talk to me? (Note: This is a cut & dry issue. Either she’s important, or she isn’t. There is no in between.)

2. If he is busy, will he call me back in the time he told me? (Note: If you say you’ll call her back in 5 minutes, that means 5 minutes. This does not mean 10 minutes, or even 6 minutes. If you are late by more than hour?? DO NOT CALL. Show up with flowers, candy or any other peace offering.)

3. Will he rush me off the phone after 5 minutes of talking. (This is critical. You may not think much of it, but it is considered a major insult.)

4. Is he sincerely listening to me, or is it just a means to an end? (Believe me, they can tell the difference.)

5. Will he stay on the phone until the sun rises, simply because he enjoys talking to me so much? (Oh, you’re tired?? So what! This simply means that you are willing to make sacrifices for her. She needs to know this.)

6. What do we talk about? Him? Me? or Us? (For her, there should be a balance of about 20% him, 40% me, 40% us. This can vary at different times, but you will not lose using this formula)

Phone calls can be critical to relationship stability. Do not take them lightly. If used correctly, they can become mutually beneficial for both of you. Remember, the purpose of the phone call is to connect with each other. Kindling the embers while you are apart, makes it easier to spark the inferno when you’re together.

Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DOVE NOTE #22: Feedback


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

For a woman, a comment can almost be akin to foreplay.  Women appreciate feedback.  They appreciate it more if they don’t have to prompt you first.  If she’s lost weight… comment.  If she has changed her hair color or length… comment.  If she has achieved a goal or any other accomplishment, no matter how trivial it may seem to you… comment.

These observations convey to her how important she is to you.  It establishes her value in a way that she will always remember and can often refer to.  Also, this gives her bragging rights with her friends, and if you don’t know… this is very beneficial for you.  Trust me.

Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Seasonal Relationships


(Don’t mind me, I’m just unloading my thoughts…)

I’m always amazed by how much things can change in such a short period of time. Back when I was really active online, either blogging, chatting or emailing, I made some really good friends. People I admire, respect and value. Maintaining relationships of any kind require effort and I try to make sure that people know that they’re important to me.

So yesterday I sent a friend of mine a message on Facebook saying that I miss them and we need to catch up because it’s been far too long since we’ve chatted. Now this person is someone I would talk to fairly regularly in the past. We’d grown close to the point that we would even exchange holiday cards throughout the year. Of course, when life gets in the way then days between chats turn into weeks that turn into months until eventually I couldn’t remember the last time we actually talked. I was so happy when they responded with enthusiasm about us MAKING time to reconnect with one another! I’m looking forward to it.

That being said, there are still a couple people who used to be friends of mine that are friends no longer. Now if it were simply a matter of time between contact or some sort of escalated disagreement, I would totally understand. But these people left my life for reasons that they still haven’t chosen to reveal to me. Now I know that some relationships are only for a season as people come and go from our lives. I realized a long time ago that I will never please everyone and there will be times when I offend people unintentionally. But for me, it helps to at least know why a season with a particular person has passed. Especially if there has been some unknown offense from which I might learn and grow.

In spite of feeling like there’s never enough time in a day, I really do value my relationships with other people and what they add to my life. I’m not one of those people who need constant affirmation and will do anything to get it (I have a wife for that) 😉 But there are times when I just need to understand what is taking place. I don’t have to be your best friend, but I at least want to be a good friend. The only way that can happen is if we communicate with one another if there are issues that need to be addressed.

What prompted this post is that I happened to read a message from one of these former friends this morning. They were wishing me a happy birthday in 2010 and hoped I had a splendid day. The message finished with a P.S. saying that we needed to catch up… and eventually we did. But a few months later all communication from this person stopped. When I tried to ask them what happened, all my attempts to contact this person were ignored for weeks until finally they responded saying that they didn’t want to tell me right then. That was nearly a year ago.

Over the past year I’ve sent out an olive branch message every few months or so, hoping to find out what happened. But to date it has proven unsuccessful. I could understand if this person were extremely busy, but we have mutual friends with whom they continue to interact. I can only assume that there’s an issue between us personally. But the only way I can become a better person is for others to point out the areas in which I might improve. I hope someday to at least have an answer for what has taken place, because this feels uncomfortably unfinished.

So if you and I are currently friends, I only ask that you promise to be honest with me about how you feel. If you feel that I haven’t given our relationship enough attention, let me know. You’re in my life for a reason and I want you to understand your value and place in my heart.

Categories: personal, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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