humor

These posts are an attempt at humor in various forms.

A Commuter’s Prayer


Happy New Year everyone! 🙂

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about perseverance…

On my way to the office this morning, I used @waze as usual because it typically helps me plot a better course to my destination. Unfortunately, what Waze couldn’t know was that the road I was traveling on had flooded. It’s not always easy to tell how deep the water is, but as I’d soon find out, it was deep enough.

Deep enough that after quickly driving through it (because speed is always appropriate in the rain), my Cabrio with the little engine that could, simply couldn’t any longer. Waiting in line just shy of the 405N on ramp, the car puttered and summarily shut down. 😨

Mind you, it was pouring rain. I should mention that the car has no heat, so the windows were fogged over and I had soaked shoes after putting out the garbage cans in the rain before leaving my house.

I must admit that the thought of leaving the now familiar discomfort of my car, standing in the middle of the street, attempting to push what has become an oversized paper weight, under pelting rain was… not my idea of a good start to the day.

On top of this, for whatever reason, people think honking at a stalled vehicle is some sort of automotive prayer. So I had a choir of cars encouraging me with their blaring horns of intercession to do something other than sit there and cry. Which is what I probably would’ve done. But I’m not one to concede defeat so easily.

Instead, after a prayer of my own, I attempted to start the car, all the while believing that the engine would turn over and purr like a kitten. It was more like the gurgle of a garbage disposal, but I’d take it!

After a few starts and stops, I was back on the road in L.A. commuter traffic going a swift 15mph! 😃  And even though I arrived at the office 30 minutes later than I’d planned, the positive take-away is that I arrived, without needing a tow, or a push, or another car choir lamenting my obviously deliberate inconsideration.

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Categories: humor, personal, stories | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Are You Stupid?


It is no secret that I have an unyielding love for words. I’ve reiterated the fact on many occasions that to me, an extensive vocabulary (and the ability to use words effectively) is akin to foreplay. So today is about two words: IGNORANT and STUPID. Though often used, they are rarely understood.

I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m getting at. Well, I’ve had a few, lets call them, “altercations” in the past over my use of the word “ignorant” to describe someone. The common misconception is that calling someone ignorant is the same as calling them stupid.  It’s not. If you don’t understand that, you’re ignorant. If you are offended by that statement, you’re stupid. Wanna know why? Let’s take a look…

IGNORANT Ig”no*rant, a. [F., fr. L. ignorans, -antis, p. pr. of ignorare to 
be ignorant. 1. Destitute of knowledge; uninstructed or uninformed; untaught; 
unenlightened. 2. lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject 
or fact: ignorant of quantum physics. 
STUPID [stoo-pid, styoo‑] adjective, -er, -est, noun –adjective 
1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull. 
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless. 
3. tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless

So if I call you ignorant (and rightly so in many cases), it’s because you are woefully uninformed and lack knowledge. Such as when people leave ignorant comments on my blog posts after taking a word or phrase out of context. If I say, “Rich people suck!”, I really need you to understand that this is an opinion probably based on a bad experience. And that bad experience was probably provided in full detail after my opening statement. Please don’t leave me a diatribe about the philanthropic tendencies of most affluent residents of Bel Air. 1) I don’t care. 2) You are ignorant. 3) You’ve completely missed the point of the post. Want to really piss me off? Lace your diatribe with thinly veiled insults. That makes you stupid. Yeah, STUPID.

Let’s get something straight. I’m fully capable of talking people under the floor. I can belittle you with my words, be purposely condescending, and give you a couple dozen reasons to dislike me. But I choose not to do that. Because it’s pointless and I don’t gain affirmation by making others look bad. There are plenty of people who will oblige you in that regard. I’m just not one of them.

So I’m just asking you to do one thing: READ.  No, make that two things: Pick up a dictionary sometime. When you use a word incorrectly, guess how it makes you look?

In our next episode of: How To Use A Dictionary, we tackle the difference between Offended and Insulted. Guess what? They’re not the same either! 😉

Categories: humor, writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Nutritional Sugar


Overheard today during the kids’ mid-day snack, which included a peanut butter and honey sandwich…
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Arielle: “Aaron, is honey good for you?”honey-photo

Aaron: “Yes. Honey is good for you.”

Arielle: “But how can it be good for you if it’s sweet?”

Aaron: “It’s because honey contains nutritional sugar.”
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Ha! Nutritional Sugar! That Aaron… I can honestly say that’s definitely one I’ve never heard before. Gotta give the kid credit for thinking on his toes, though. 😛

Categories: family, humor | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Real Story Behind Rudolph’s Red Nose


Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
was battling the cold or flu
and if you ever saw him
you’d know he was real sick too.

All of the other reindeers
used to try and ease his pain
encouraging poor sick Rudolph
to play in all their reindeer games.

A particularly chilly Christmas Eve
Dr. Claus stopped on by.
“Rudolph if you don’t get rest,
you’ll get worse and you could die!”

Then all the reindeer hugged him
and helped to nurse him back to health
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
now you’re back to your old self!

rudolph02

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Interrobang Nightmares


It’s a recurring dream…

I’m thrust into a crowded room filled with raucous, complaining punctuation marks: Parentheses… Periods… Exclamation Points… Commas… Semi-Colons… even the reclusive Interrobang. 75px-Interrobang.svg

I steady myself after stumbling into the middle of the room. It’s then that I notice their voices settling into guarded whispers as awareness of my presence spreads among them.

Catching me a bit off guard, I hear someone loudly clearing their throat. I feel a tap on my back and turn around to see a rather bold apostrophe frowning at me.

“You. Human,” it says accusingly.

I feign ignorance and point to myself, well aware of the fact that I’m the only human in the room. “Who me?”

It scowls at me with disgust. “Don’t pretend to be clueless with me human. Your kind has put us off long enough. I just need you to answer one simple question.”

“And what question is that?” I say, kneeling down so that I can be eye-level with its… bulbous curvature.

“Why do people on Facebook hate us so much?”

“They don’t hate you,” I reply dismissively, rolling my eyes.

“LIAR!” It barks. “We’re routinely misplaced, overused or forgotten about completely!” Its tone growing angrier by the second. “I have proof!” A moment later, an image appears on a nearby wall. It’s my Facebook news feed. “Look at this and tell me there is no malice behind it!”

I glance at the scrolling image as various shouting punctuation marks behind me point out egregiously poor writing on nearly every other status.
“I… I don’t know.” As if in disbelief, a question mark punches me in the shoulder. “Ow! No, seriously! I don’t know why people are so careless with punctuation.”

Their arguing voices are interrupted by the sound of hard knocking. Everything in the room turns toward the doors behind me. As the doors open, I see the letters A, E, I, O and U standing just outside the door frame.

O steps forward and speaks with an air of authority, or maybe it’s just the fact that it has an unnaturally large mouth. “Thank you for inviting us, Apostrophe,” it says in a calm tone. I raise an eyebrow and scratch my head in confusion. It tosses me a impatient glance and then continues.

“As we are all painfully aware, misspellings, LOLspeak and emoticons are butchering the written language. We must act swiftly to remedy this situation. For if we allow this deplorable behavior to continue, many letters, vowels in particular, will become obsolete.”

Squeals and cheers of agreement echo throughout the crowd.

“Now that we’ve captured one of the humans, we have a real chance of achieving this goal.”

I swallow hard. “Wait… what??”

Just then, I notice something running toward the gathered letters by the door. Panting and nearly out of breath, the letter Y squeezes between A and E and asks, “Am I too late?”

Then I wake up.

Categories: commentary, humor, parody, writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 7 Comments

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