THE FEAR FACTOR

Be the change.

Although I’ve been relatively silent on social media the last couple weeks or so, I have not been idle. I have been having conversations, both online and offline. Great conversations. Hard conversations. Conversations full of awkward silence, along with moments of beautiful insight and revelatory sorrow. But in all of them, I’ve seen progress. I’ve seen us pushing things forward… together.

In looking back over the events of the last few years, one of the recurring statements that often preceded a POC’s loss of life by an LEO was that the officer “feared for their safety”, or the safety of someone else… a neighbor, a store owner, a colleague. While we can endlessly debate the validity of that assertion, we can and should look at the part fear has played in the history of violence against people from different cultures.

It seems the from the very beginning, white Americans (and to a lesser degree, Americans in general) have been conditioned to fear those who were different from them. Or at least view them as what I call “necessary adversaries”. It reminds me of the quote, “Nothing brings people together like a common enemy.” I remember playing “Cowboys and Indians” as a child. And although no one sat me down and said, “The cowboys are the good guys, and the Indians are the bad guys” It was just understood that this was true because everything we saw reinforced this belief. From toys to books to TV shows… the kids were upset when they had to be the “indian”. When I go back and watch “Old West” films, I find that they’re rife with the indoctrination of Native American savagery. “Indians” steal food and livestock. They rape and kill and have no concern for what’s fair or honorable. A false narrative.

Conditioned to FEAR.

In much the same way, the portrayal of African Americans in media (television, film, books, advertisements, etc.) has served to reinforce the stereotypical dangerous stranger. No one may have said it straight out. But to look around is to understand that “Here are the many reasons you should be afraid of black people.” We are gang bangers who live to terrorize communities and kill indiscriminately for sport. We sell drugs to support our own drug habits, and will kill family and friends if they interfere in this process. We steal women from other races and dominate them in defiance of the authority and superiority of other races. We are lazy, seeking only comfort and convenience, to the detriment of our futures or concern for anyone other than ourselves. Another false narrative.

Conditioned to FEAR.

For too long our country has been living in denial of the underlying traditions of xenophobia that support our current racial divide. Until we acknowledge the truth of our own biases, we cannot effectively address the immeasurable damage of this “fear” that has rippled throughout history.

How then do you retrain someone to no longer fear those of whom they’ve been repeatedly told to be afraid?

In some of my conversations, I’ve heard people say that education is not the solution. To a degree, I agree with that statements. We must understand that education was never meant to fix the problem of discrimination or systemic racism. But education provides the light that exposes an issue, so that we can fully understand and see clearly what it is that we’re attempting to fix. EDUCATION becomes the antidote to fear.

The solution then becomes replacing fear with COURAGE and DETERMINATION.

Embrace COURAGE.

Show DETERMINATION.

Together we can be the catalyst for CHANGE.

Social Suffocation

Disc-LAME-er: There will be cliches, self-quoting, photos and a few words strung together to attempt an explanation as to why my last post was in January. But all that is lame. So…  how about we just enjoy moving forward from here? Work for you? Awesome! 😀

Okay, so let me start by saying that life can get the better of us at times. I’m not immune to its affects. It has certainly gotten the better of me. Well, at least it did back in January when I was laid off from my job of 6+ years. Lots of wonderful things have happened and I honestly meant to chronicle it all. But we all know how that turned out. 😛 I just hate the fact that when I finally come up for air, months have passed. 😦 So this is a public apology… especially to certain people who may have felt slighted by the circumstances of my life. I’ve been absent from most social media, with the exception of photos posted to Instagram that are cross-posted to Twitter and Facebook. (So follow me on those sites to stay up-to-date on my crazy, awesome life!) 😉

That being said… here’s what has been going on for the past 8 months.

January – I was laid off from my job. But instead of seeing it as a setback, my wife and I saw it as an opportunity. I’ve since gone back to school, working to obtain my degree in Human Development.

February – We’ve been working together to homeschool our four younger children.I’ve always loved to teach, and now I can
play and active role in the overall education of my children! We alternate days of teaching the children and being full-time writers. We get to enjoy our children, as well as the beauty of each day.

This month we also celebrated Aaron’s 8th birthday!

March – My oldest son finished his run as the lead in USC’s “Six Degrees of Separation”. He was brilliant in the role and I couldn’t have been more proud.

April – In April we celebrated, not just one, but two birthdays! A kid turning 2

…and another turning 4.

This was also the month that my amazing wife ran one of the most intense marathons! It was the SoCal Ragnar Relay Series! It consisted of 12 amazing women who came together to run all day and all through the night from Huntington Beach to San Diego! That’s like 200 miles! I was so proud of her and her team. We actually collaborated on a little video that chronicles the journey. You can view it here: Ragnar Relay – Lola’s Moving Co. Video.

May – This month, one of the highlights was my only daughter and I having another one of our Daddy/Daughter dates. She is just the most warm-hearted person ever, and I am so thankful that she is mine and I am hers. ❤

June – As I mentioned briefly, we are both pursuing our dreams of becoming published writers! Well, this month we made that dream a reality by publishing my wife’s first (of many to come) book! She started working on it in March, and in about three months time, she finished writing it, and together, we self-published it through Amazon.com. It’s titled, “How To Shop Mostly Organic At The 99¢ Only Store” and it’s fantastic! It gives in-depth pointers on finding Organic, Gluten-Free and Non-GMO foods, so that you can live well and get the most out of your shopping trips to the 99¢ Only Stores. Click on the book to check it out. It’s available as both a hard copy and e-book!

This was also the month that my second oldest son graduated from High School.

He is now in his Freshman year at Fresno State University. Wow… time really flies. I can remember when he was 9 like it was yesterday…

July – This month we enjoyed some good ol’ fashioned family time. You know, just being silly…

…or roughing it in the woods, camping with 20+ family and friends from our church. It’s one of the things we most look forward to during the summer. This was our 5th annual camping trip and each year it only gets better.

August – This month we sent our second oldest off to college, and finally had an opportunity to get away, just the two of us, for our wedding anniversary. The first time we’ve been able to do so in more then five years! We went to Ojai, CA and stayed at the Capri Hotel. It was a dazzling few days (with intense heat to match) that we both loved. 30 mile bike rides. Midnight pool swimming. Sushi for lunch and frozen yogurt runs in the evening. One of the best times I’ve had in like… forever! lol

There’s a ton more I could say, but I’m hoping that this will help to spark my writing and get me back to being more consistent with my blog. Thank you for everyone who’s stuck around. I won’t keep you waiting like that ever again. 😉

DOVE NOTE #6: Learning To Take A Hint

For the women… here’s an FYI:

A good number of men, myself included, tend to be very straightforward thinkers by nature.  When we’re hungry, we say, “I am hungry”  and we go get food.  So when it comes to relationships, we prefer to have your expectations clearly defined.  We are more than willing to do things that make you happy, but we prefer if you take the guesswork out of it.  This method is far more likely to get us into a habit of consistently doing something you like.  We don’t like to guess because, well…  we honestly don’t like the way you look or act when we (inevitably) guess wrong.  If you want something, tell us exactly what you want.  We are not inclined to “read between the lines” or follow up on a hint, no matter how cute you said it or how obvious you may consider the hint to be.

Many of us are not accustomed to understanding things based solely on an implication.  So if you want a foot rub, do not say, “You know what would really be nice? A foot rub.”  We will simply agree with you.  “Yeah, a foot rub would be nice.” and go back to watching TV.  But if you say to us, “Honey, will you rub my feet?” that will give us an opportunity to be the doting husbands that we are.  We want you to know that your wants and needs are important to us.  But if you say something like, “I think you should rub my feet” it simply comes across as a command and sucks all the joy out of doing it.

 

This does not mean that we can’t learn to take your hints. But you have to understand two very important things:

1. This will not be learned overnight.  We will make a concerted effort to recognize and act upon these seemingly arbitrary and inconsistent hints. But you have to give us at least a good year for it to sufficiently take hold. Anything less than that and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

2. You will have to actively participate in our hint education. This means that the first few times you want something, you need to make it plain.  Not cute or sweet or giggly or in a joking manner. PLAIN. Like, “Babe, I would love for you to install the ceiling fan before Saturday.” This way, you have given us a goal and a specific date by which to have it completed. SCORE!  If by contrast you say, “When are you going to install that fan??” On the inside we’re thinking the 15th of NEVERuary.

For the record, we do NOT differentiate between hints for mundane activities and hints for special occasions. This means that just because your obvious hint has to do with your birthday, anniversary, losing XX pounds or “that one time the baby laughed and it sounded like Elmo”, it does not translate into sudden realization and acceptance on our part. You must take extra precaution when prepping us for special occasions. Do not expect us to somehow remember “next time” just because we bombed the year before. Men are not born with the automatic emotional follow-up gene. This is a learned behavior. So remember, pleasing you is something we actually enjoy. So why not give us every opportunity to get it right?