Posts Tagged With: romantic

DOVE NOTE #2: It’s In The Details


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

Men like to do things big…

Big trucks,

Big home theater systems,

Big plates of food,

even Big pets…

But in talking with my female friends, one of their chief complaints is that in doing things BIG in the relationship, men often overlook the details. And let me tell you, the details matter.

You can score points by remembering details. But, the opposite is also true. MAJOR points will be deducted for missing important DETAILS.

She will definitely appreciate you planning a romantic dinner for the two of you and making reservations at the most swanky restaurant in town. But what will impress her more?  Have the car washed and detailed before you pick her up… even if the evening is a surprise, inform her of the specific dress code for the night’s events so she won’t be too hot, too cold, over or under dressed for the occasion … remember (and then order) her favorite wine…

DETAILS.

Steal her for a unexpected weekend getaway.  But have all the arrangements made for kids/pets/plant care, pre-pack the suitcase and let her know that if we’ve forgotten anything, you’ve brought extra cash for contingencies.

DETAILS.

Offer to cook dinner. Have dinner ready at a reasonable hour and be mindful of her current health focus/diet plan/eating guide. Make dessert something indicative of your relationship. Pudding cups are UNacceptable.

DETAILS.

I guarantee that the response to your attention to detail will be exponentially more than the effort invested.

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Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Social Distortion


I was talking to a friend the other day about music and we got onto a topic regarding my concern about how everything in life seems to be moving toward Social Media. Currently, at your fingertips you can instantaneously enjoy music, movies, and eBooks. Unfortunately, I believe that this has created a culture of impatience. Especially in the current generation of teens that never knew TVs without a remote, never used a record player when it was actually a household appliance, and can hardly believe there was ever a time when people didn’t have mobile phones, let alone caller ID. But what I’m MOST concerned about is how this culture of immediacy has affected interpersonal relationships. Especially the romantic kind.

See, in an era where relationship statuses are broadcast in real time all over the world, couples are rarely given time to work out their issues before you get:

  • 50 people liking the fact that you’ve gone from “in a relationship” or “married”, to “single” or “it’s complicated”
  • a few dozen comments on how he/she was no good for you, interspersed with a handful of people making jokes about his/her appearance
  • name changed and photos of the ex-SO either deleted or untagged in less than 15 minutes

I think social media allows far too many outside influences and doesn’t give many fledgling relationship time to breathe, and the people in them time to grow and mature. I believe this causes people to make hasty decisions based on emotion instead of taking the time to come to a rational and often peaceful resolution. Instead, Social Networking promotes the “spectator mentality” so that people are drawn to online relationship conflicts in the same way that people will run to the scene of an accident. This increasing interference is what I like to call “Social Distortion”.

Sadly, it would seem that young people are more susceptible to this interference because they have so little life experience and diminishing personal references for healthy relationships. My hope is that by working to model healthy communication and interaction in my own marriage, it might help my children avoid buying into the restless lifestyle and unnecessary heartbreak.

What do you think, do you think the tide of social distortion can be turned?

Or are we headed for further deterioration of intimate relationships?

Categories: intimacy, marriage, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Limitations of Teasing


My captivating wife and I finally fell asleep in the wee hours one Sunday morning several months ago. This was after an impromptu trip down memory lane that last for hours after watching, of all things, the movie “Couples Retreat“. I won’t get into the movie plot in case you ever decide to see it, but suffice it to say that it made us very thankful for the kind of marriage we have, and deeply appreciative of one another.

When the movie ended, we started recounting the many things that led up to our initial friendship and eventual falling in love. It was interesting to compare the different perspectives of how certain events unfolded. For instance, she remembers the first song I wrote for her called “Happy” (I may upload it one day) that freaked her out because although it wasn’t a love song, she was certain that it was the closest thing to it. I, on the other hand, saw the song simply as my expression of how important she’d become in my life. I certainly loved her. But was I in love with her at that point? Who’s to say. In retrospect, I was definitely blurring the lines with that song. The heart can have a mind of it’s own at times.

Anyway, one of the most interesting things that we both noted was the drastic change that took place regarding playful teasing once our relationship changed from “friendly” to “romantic“. See, we were best friends in every since of the word. We were in a band together, hung out writing music, talked on the phone for hours, and shared opinions on everything from office supplies to long lost loves. As friends, we would take playful jabs at one another. It was the kind of verbal sparring that’s harmless in nature, but is usually good for a laugh in group settings. Such as the time we were rehearsing with the band and someone commented on the fact that I kept yawning. I jokingly said something like, “Well I wouldn’t be so tired if Dre hadn’t keep me on the phone til 4am.” 🙂  With all of the teasing, many people thought that we were crushing on each other. But nothing could’ve been farther from the truth. We were just close friends with no romantic interests whatsoever.

However, as time passed and we crossed a line in our relationship, the teasing came to a screeching halt. I think I made a passing joke about something to do with what she was wearing and everybody laughed. She came up to me later and told me that she didn’t want me to do that anymore.

 

I was surprised since we’d been teasing each other for years. So I asked her why she didn’t want me to joke around like that any more. And she said, with an honesty that hit me right in the heart, “Because before, the things you would say wouldn’t affect me. Now, everything you say matters.” Looking into the eyes of this beautiful woman who owned my heart, I melted… and never cracked a joke at her expense ever again.

Now this isn’t to say that we don’t have fun and joke on occasion, but I understand that my responsibility is to always present my wife in the best light. It’s a reflection of her value and importance to me. I realized that making fun of her, even jokingly, could come across as disrespectful. It might also give people the impression that they have license to do the same. And it’s never okay for anyone to make fun of my wife… most importantly me.

 

I think some people go overboard with making fun of their SO’s to the point of degrading them and traumatically affecting their self-esteem.

What do you think?
Is it okay to tease someone you love?
Or is it their responsibility to tell you to stop if they don’t like it?

Categories: marriage, personal, relationships, stories | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Modern Love


You know, I’ve been cruising the blogosphere for the better part of a decade. And I’ve seen a lot of interesting things and I’ve met a lot of interesting people. In all this time, I’ve seen a common thread among certain types of people when it comes to love. They fall into a few distinct categories:

The Skeptic: Many skeptics see LOVE merely as a theory. They often find no practical applications in the real world. To some of them, love is bitterly fleeting and inevitably temporary. They approach relationships with extreme trepidation. Failure becomes the expectation and they tend to project this onto most of their relationships, which can have the unfortunate effect of acting as a self-fulfilling prophecy. For the skeptic, LOVE at most only exists in books and movies where the outcome is predetermined by the author.

The Dreamer: Dreamers for the most part, have a wholly unrealistic perception of LOVE . They’ve bought into the fantasy that LOVE comes in the form of a knight in shining armor riding on a white horse, or a beautiful virgin damsel in distress hoping for a  handsome hero. The drawback is that dreamers measure every romantic encounter by an unattainable standard that often leaves them disappointed. No one fits the mold they’ve crafted in their mind about the perfect relationship. It’s almost as if they’ve scripted the entire story in their head to the point that even one diversion from the plan disqualifies even the most promising suitor.

The Realist: These people have usually witnessed the best and worst LOVE has to offer. It isn’t always from direct experience, but more often from observing the roller coaster rides of Skeptics and Dreamers. They have no preconceived notions of what a relationship should look like. They’re not swayed by empty declarations or sappy displays of affection. And they don’t confuse lust with LOVE.  Although many Realist would love to experience whimsical romance, they typically are more than willing to put in the work necessary to simply make a relationship successful. This saves them from the disappointment usually experienced by Dreamers and the hardening of the hearts of Skeptics.

Sometimes I wonder how many of us have a realistic outlook on LOVE. I think a lot of people would like to believe that LOVE is just like the movies or in the stories we read where everyone lives happily ever after. After the dissolution of my first marriage, I was a hardcore Skeptic and thought LOVE was a farce. But meeting and marrying Dre has been the next best thing to living the life of a Dreamer.

Do you fit any of these categories?


If not, how would you categorize your outlook on LOVE?

Do you feel as if your perception of LOVE is determined by your life experiences?

Categories: relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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