Posts Tagged With: female

Seeds and Desire


I’ve had the privilege of knowing some awesome women, who over the years have given me an earful of priceless information from the female perspective.  Some of them are in great relationships, while others are still searching for one. Still others are enduring a bad relationship simply for the sake of being able to say they’re in one.

One thing that I find interesting is that in all of these cases, to be loved was of the highest priority.  I don’t mean sexually (it’s sad, but without that disclaimer some people would assume as much).  It seems that from childhood women will often seek affirmation through “expressions” of love.  Whether it be gifts, or letters, or time spent together…

…the underlying desire is to be loved.

What seeds were planted in your childhood?

Material things aside, many of the women I know have said that they would be very happy knowing that someone thinks they are the most wonderful, most beautiful woman in the world.  However, this love needs to be demonstrative, without any ulterior motives.  They want to feel needed and special.  They want to be a priority in someone’s life.

Some of the women I know have even said that any rebellion exhibited as teenagers had more to do with their feelings of being unwanted, unaccepted, and made to feel unattractive, more so than just wanting to get into trouble.  I was told that if someone had loved them, the way they needed to be loved… they would have most likely become very different people.

I recognize the effects on women who grew up without a father, or whose mothers were inattentive.  Some of them have dealt with it. Others are still struggling to come to terms with their childhood.  Unfortunately, this can deeply affect their current relationships with both men and women.  Some of my female friends have confided in me that it seems hard to find a good man, mostly because they tend to run at the first indication that any man possesses characteristics similar to their absentee fathers or estranged mothers.  Friends who exhibit these traits are unceremoniously dismissed as well.

Honestly, I think both men and women truly want to be loved, though we may act otherwise.  Men are just more prone to hide this fact than women.

WOMEN: What has been your experience, if any, with your childhood affecting your desire to be loved, and the way you receive love?

MEN: What things have made you reluctant, if at all, to communicate your desire to be loved? 

Categories: commentary, intimacy, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dove Note #99 – The Gender Scale of Intimacy


I was talking to a female friend a while ago and we were discussing the difference between intimacy for men and women. I listened as she expressed her opinion that most men only consider sex as intimacy… and that if a woman mentions intimacy to a man, he automatically assumes she wants sex. She went on to say that she believes that some men do realize that sex and intimacy are two different things, but they wrongly assume that sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy.

I listened a while longer as she reprimanded the male gender for our lasciviousness and carnal preoccupations. I smiled, and asked her, “So how do WOMEN define intimacy?”

“Intimacy to a woman can take many shapes… “

I bridled my thoughts at her choice of words…

“… it’s having your undivided attention when we talk about sensitive or emotional issues…”

“Which is usually at length, in detail and with great depth, right?”, I chaffed.

She smirked, “… or it could be an evening at home alone, just the two of us reading a book together.”

“I guess it depends on what you read. I’m sure TV Guide or PEOPLE Magazine wouldn’t count, right?”

She still wasn’t amused, “See, you men are all the same… you’d rather watch TV than spend some quality time with us.”

I sighed and said, “Okay, not all men are like that… we understand intimacy, but it looks different for us… and the fallacy with women is in thinking that our views on intimacy should be exactly the same as yours… “

I’d gotten her attention, so I proceeded.

“No, we don’t typically grab a book and say ‘Hey, honey lets read’, and our conversations typically serve one of two purposes… to relay/confirm information, ‘Hey Jim, tonight’s poker game is gonna be at Kieth’s house.’ or for business, ‘My wife paid that cable bill a week ago, why is one of your service techs cutting cords behind my house!!’ Other than that, when we’re together it’s small talk.”

“Are you afraid of sharing your feelings?” she asked, thinking she’d cornered me.

“Not exactly. But intimacy to us includes having a woman who will allow us to vent about work and world injustice… letting us teach you how to fish, change oil or program the VCR… it’s about letting us be a man TO and FOR you. That’s intimacy. But the key is learning that both forms of intimacy are important for the success of the relationship.”

She smiled, and said, “So basically, if I let him show me how change oil, he’ll read with me?”

I chuckled, “Sorta… ideally it would be given freely without expecting something in return, but that’s a start.”

It was an interesting exchange, but it just supported my theory that men and women often see the world very differently… especially when it comes to intimacy. So the next time you get a moment, bring up intimacy with your partner and expand your definition of the word to your mutual benefit.

Categories: Dove Note, humor, intimacy, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

DOVE NOTE #2: It’s In The Details


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

Men like to do things big…

Big trucks,

Big home theater systems,

Big plates of food,

even Big pets…

But in talking with my female friends, one of their chief complaints is that in doing things BIG in the relationship, men often overlook the details. And let me tell you, the details matter.

You can score points by remembering details. But, the opposite is also true. MAJOR points will be deducted for missing important DETAILS.

She will definitely appreciate you planning a romantic dinner for the two of you and making reservations at the most swanky restaurant in town. But what will impress her more?  Have the car washed and detailed before you pick her up… even if the evening is a surprise, inform her of the specific dress code for the night’s events so she won’t be too hot, too cold, over or under dressed for the occasion … remember (and then order) her favorite wine…

DETAILS.

Steal her for a unexpected weekend getaway.  But have all the arrangements made for kids/pets/plant care, pre-pack the suitcase and let her know that if we’ve forgotten anything, you’ve brought extra cash for contingencies.

DETAILS.

Offer to cook dinner. Have dinner ready at a reasonable hour and be mindful of her current health focus/diet plan/eating guide. Make dessert something indicative of your relationship. Pudding cups are UNacceptable.

DETAILS.

I guarantee that the response to your attention to detail will be exponentially more than the effort invested.

Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

DOVE NOTE #11: Listen & Pay Attention


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

Once again I realize the wisdom of asking questions and discussing specific topics with my female friends. To say that women are complex would be an understatement. But their complexity is more easily understood if I take one aspect at a time and study it to find out exactly (or at least to the best of my biased male ability) how it functions.

In a recent conversation with a dear female friend of mine, she began to stress the importance of a man’s ability to “listen” and “pay attention“. I smiled while asking her, “Isn’t that the same thing?” (I knew they weren’t, but sometimes I like to goad her). She scoffed and said, “No, they are two very different and very important qualities I look for in a man.” Now on the surface this may seem like a relatively easy thing to do. Of course you can listen… of course you can pay attention… right?? But you have to look deeper and realize how women define these terms. Because unless you’re operating with a keen understanding of how women perceive things (which most men don’t)… you could actually wind up with the opposite results.

LISTENING: It does not refer to idly shaking your head while she rambles on and on about the high price of no-run pantyhose. It does not mean that your face maintains a look of impatience while waiting for your opportunity to speak. It does refer to you being an active participant in the conversation. This is demonstrated by your ability (and level of skill) to interject your thoughts and opinions based on what she has said. It does mean that when she makes a comment or suggestion, you consider and acknowledge it by your actions as well as your words.

PAYING ATTENTION: It does not mean that your eyes pop out because you notice how her new jeans look as if they were painted on. It also does not mean that you comment on her new hair color AFTER she mentioned to you that she had it done (definitely a bad move, you get no points. Depending on how long it took you to comment, you may even have points deducted.) with a simple “Oh yeah… um… cute”. It does mean that in conjunction with listening for instance, you’re able to determine her likes and/or dislikes and might then surprise her with a gesture or gift that she didn’t expect (or necessarily ask for), but rather was implied through conversations you’ve had with her. It also refers to recognizing and appreciating any effort she puts forth for your benefit, as opposed to taking her selfless nature for granted.

Sometimes we view things as complex, only to find out how very simple they are once we comprehend them better… women are a prime example of this. And so I encourage further in-depth research.

Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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