Posts Tagged With: divorce

Sexual Litmus Test?


*Warning: This post may be laced with TMI*

Okay, so back in early 2004 I was chatting with a friend online and I told them I had a good weekend and a great morning.  First thing they asked me was, “Oh, did you get some?”  I rolled my eyes at the realization that some people equate having a good morning or day, with having sex.  Like it’s the only reason anyone would have a good day.  I mean, I’m sure there have been plenty of people who’ve had sex and still had bad days (especially if the sex was bad ).  But anyway, I found this particularly interesting because most people who knew me would never have asked this question.

I proceeded to tell them that I hadn’t had sex since 2000.  Their follow up question was “Why??”, almost as if it was the most preposterous thing they’d ever heard.  They couldn’t believe that “someone like me” (their words) hadn’t had sex in 4 years.  I had no idea what they meant by that.  I mean, should I have like a Daily Recommended Sex Allowance label on my forehead?  Instead of going into all of that, I just told them, “Well… the last time I had sex was in 2000 with the woman who would become my ex-wife in March 2001.”  I explained to then that I didn’t believe in having sex outside of marriage.  And of course, this was a total shocker to them, as if the fact that Dre (my fiance at the time) and I had never had sex was unimaginable. 

“You mean, you’re gonna marry somebody you’ve never had sex with??”

“Uh… yeah.  And you find this strange?”

“Hell yeah, I do!  There’s no way I’d marry someone without knowing how good they were in bed first!”

“Um… so you’re saying that you’ll only marry somebody if the sex is good?”

“Not just good.  It has to be amazing!”

I thought to myself… “and you wonder why you’re not married.” shy Evidently sex (not just sex, but “amazing sex”, as they put it) is their prerequisite to marriage.  Now, I know a lot of people that have sex all the time, married or not.  But this was my preference.  Even so, I don’t think it should ever be a deciding factor on whether or not to marry someone.  There are other factors one might consider far more important… you know, like drug & alcohol addiction… criminal background… or even lifestyle and goals.  In marriage, great sex or not, you will never reach the goal together if you’re walking in different directions.

Categories: commentary, intimacy, marriage, opinion, personal, relationships, sexuality | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Who Am I?


My name is Maurice. All of my family and many of my friends call me Riis (pronounced Reese). So please, if you’ve friended/followed me or have been friended/followed, feel free.  I was born, raised and still reside in the County of Los Angeles, California.  I come from a Pentecostal Christian family with parents who have been happily married for 48 years. Their story is from where I draw my deep understanding of commitment and devotion. I am the youngest of 4 children with 2 brothers and one adopted sister who’s exactly 6 months older than me. I grew up in what used to be called the infamous South Central part of Los Angeles. Yes, I’ve seen drive-bys. I’ve been shot at. I’ve been involved in school brawls that included more than 50 people. And I’ve had family members murdered. But neither me, nor anyone from my family has ever been in a gang. Your learn quickly to adjust to your environment and how to survive the set of circumstances you’re dealt.

I am a husband and father. I have 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl. My oldest 2 boys are from a previous marriage that lasted from June 4, 1994 to March 3, 2001. It was especially painful to be in court on Valentine’s Day 2001 as the judge handed me the papers granting us a dissolusion of marriage that would take effect in less than 3 weeks time. I have always been, and continue to be an advocate for marriage. My current marriage began on August 7, 2004. Dre and I will be happily celebrating our 8th anniversary this year. The difference between the two is like night and day. I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating… I used to think relationships like this only existed in movies. You know, the flirty looks, giddy teasing, full of adventure, romance between two like-minded people who began as best friends and ended up as lovers. That’s us. She is, in a word, extraordinary. In my eyes no woman will ever compare.

I am a musician. Music is my passion. I dream music. When I hear music I can literally see the movement of the notes, the syncopation and the various instruments used. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a type of synesthesia. Music literally conjures images in my head. It is a part of me as much as breathing. I began playing the piano at age 7. It wasn’t that my parents felt that all of us kids should learn an instrument. No, that wouldn’t be interesting at all.  It all started because the brand new piano my parents bought for my older brother to practice on, sat in our living room untouched because he grew bored with the lessons he previously begged for.  I, on the other hand, was fascinated by this monsterous noise maker and decided that since no one else was using it, I’d teach myself to play. And I did. Slowly but surely I went from finger pecks to two-hand quad-chords. I have never had a formal lesson, but I’ve been a studio session musician, played in a few bands, and on good days I can play circles around some trained musicians. I have also taught myself to play the drums, guitar and a little trumpet.

I am a thespian. I won a trophy in a Cal-Poly Pomona Shakespear Festival in the Male Monologue category at age 16. I was Marc Antony from Julius Caesar. I have been in plays, on TV and even in movies. Never as the lead, but with enough exposure to put together a pretty impressive bio if I wanted to pursue it full-time. But I don’t. It’s not the life I wanted to lead, although it was fascinating getting a glimpse into that world.  Plus, it afforded me a SAG card which comes with its own perks. The acting comes in handy with everyday life at times. I can be quite convincing when I need to be, but I never abuse this talent.

I am a writer. I’ve been blogging since early 2001. Writing is probably second on my list of passions. I love to write and express myself in the written (or typed) word. I am not a grammer nazi, but my eyes are often automatically drawn to what I consider blatant typos in professionally published material.  I know the difference between accept and except, and I can give you the what-for in regards to new words being added to the dictionary, like noob, l33t or bootylicious.

I could go on and on about the various ingredients that were combined to make me who I am today. But at least that’s a beginning. If there’s anything that may have stirred up a follow-up question, feel free to ask me. My life is transparent.

Riis

Categories: personal | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

DOVE NOTE #37: Are You Commit-Able?


There are many people who adamantly believe that most, if not all, marriages are destined to fail and will end in divorce. I don’t agree. I believe that in many cases, divorce is simply a byproduct of the failings of the people involved. Allow me to explain…

From an informal survey, these are just some of the reasons I’ve been told why people get married (as opposed to people who just choose to live together).

  1. Financial Security: Among other things, a combined income increases your ability to purchase a home. Some want to enjoy the spoils of being married to someone wealthy.
  2. Fear: Some people are afraid of being alone.
  3. Low Self-Esteem: Many settle for less than they actually deserve because they honestly don’t believe they deserve or could ever get someone better.
  4. Children: Along comes an unplanned pregnancy and some think marriage is the answer.
  5. Love: Real love. Not infatuation, obsession or lust.

One glaring omission from this list is what I believe to be one of the most important reasons of all to get married: COMMITMENT.

First of all, falling in love is a CHOICE in the same way that you make a DECISION to get married. What I’ve observed as the seed of destruction for many marriages is they’ve somehow failed to understand the real meaning of commitment and how it applies to being married.

When you agree to commit yourself to someone else for the rest of your life, it means you are bound and obligated to work together on making the marriage successful (obviously, there are exceptions for instances of abuse or infidelity). There is no giving up. It’s not about growing tired of someone. It’s not about holding on to The Ewwies (unspoken expectations) and then complaining to others about those expectations not being met. It’s all about two people who’ve agreed to communicate honestly about what does or does not work, what makes them feel loved, what makes them feel rejected and rehearsing all of the reasons life is better together.

A recent study contends: “When [people get] married, they don’t [do so] for long love. If they [start to believe] love and family [no longer] offer them happiness and safety, they choose to divorce. They [no longer] think about the family or the children because they [hold] themselves as the center. That means they love freedom [over] stability.”

I’ll leave you with my Bulleted Personal Observations:

  • Work out any major issues before you get married. Marriage will inevitably amplify existing problems
  • Discuss finances, religion and how you’ll raise your kids BEFORE-hand as well
  • You can never say “I Love You” too much
  • Figure out his/her love language and work to express your feelings toward them in that way
  • Use the Upward Spiral Method. The more you love your spouse, the more they love you back and the more you want to love on them, etc, etc
  • It’s okay to disagree or get upset. An argument does not imply imminent disaster.
Categories: Dove Note, marriage, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Forever Wounded?


Today I recalled a discussion with my wife a while ago where we talked about healing… more specifically, Emotional Healing.

This is a topic I believe many people often misunderstand.  Unlike other types of wounds, emotional wounds typically extend deep, manifesting with both physical and emotional scarring, and requiring an extended recovery period.  The length of time it takes to heal emotional wounds can depend on different variables including:Photo by Nisha A

  1. The type of wound… whether it be betrayal, abuse, a bad reputation, public ridicule or even neglect.
  2. The person inflicted… some people have a higher threshold for pain and can therefore endure far more than others.  So what may be emotionally fatal to one person, might be seen as simply an emotional abrasion to someone else.
  3. The person who caused the injury… in some cases it can be far more damaging to be wounded by a family member than a friend.

Either way, these wounds require delicate handling so that they are not re-opened accidentally.  We might get to a point where the pain has ceased, but we must realize there is still damage beneath the scar.  The funny thing about emotional healing is that when the pain is gone, some of us rush right back into the exact types of situations that caused the wound in the first place.  Not only does it set us up for repeat injury, but the wound then becomes compounded… causing far more damage and pain than before… and nearly doubling the recovery time.

After my divorce, the best thing that could have happened (and did) was to have people around me who would be firm and let me know that although the pain has eased up, I still had some healing to do.  It may take some time before I was at full emotional health.  Even though the desire to jump right back into matters of the heart can be compelling.  It can cause you to make bad judgments, and like any wound left untreated it will become infected and cause damage to other vital parts of your life.  I thank God for my family and friends (virtual included) who had my best interest at heart.  For that, I love you all.

But I must say that I am most thankful for my best friend, who also happens to be my wife. It is through her friendship and love that many of my deepest emotional wounds, especially those I initially kept hidden or refused to even acknowledge, were healed once and for all. ❤

Categories: personal, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: