DOVE NOTE #20: Healthy Inequality


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)

You will rarely (if ever) hear anyone talk about something being unequal yet healthy. That is, until today…

See, I fully believe that healthy relationships thrive on the premise that the love and effort of each individual is being reciprocated, although not always in equal amounts. What I mean is that it’s not so much about what they do or how often they do it, but rather the motivation behind the fact that they do anything at all. If the only effort put into a relationship stems from a desire to store up “credits” to use when they want something, then it’s destined to fail. It is impossible to experience the benefits of cultivating a healthy relationship when the root is established by having your needs met through guilt and manipulation. Those trees can only bear fruit of disappointment and regret.

You need to start with a realistic perspective of the dynamics of your relationship. This should include accepting that any attempt to measure the equality of “give and take” in a relationship is pointless without first finding out what kinds of things really matter to each of you individually. Because your sincere efforts may go unnoticed if you’re focusing on things that may mean a lot to you but mean very little to your significant other. And vice versa. A good place to start is determining your Love Language. It also helps to keep in mind this nugget of wisdom my mother offered me right before I got married…

“Remember that relationships won’t always be 50/50 give and take. Sometimes they’re 80/20 or 30/70, depending on what you may be facing. The key is recognizing when you can be a support, and speaking up when you need to be supported.”

Go mom! 😀

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Categories: Dove Note, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “DOVE NOTE #20: Healthy Inequality

  1. 🙂 Yes! GO MOM!!!! 🙂 Your Mom is wise and wonderful! (Please give her extra hugs!) She passed amazing wisdom on to you, Riis, and you pass it on to your children through your words and example.

    Thank you for passing the wisdom on to your blog readers, too. 🙂

    I agree with, and have experienced, everything you’ve shared here.

    I am not great at it…but each morning, in my time of meditation and prayer, in anticipation of the new day, I make the decision that no matter what I “get” that day, I will try my best to give 100%…in ALL my relationships.

    I’m not great at it, as I have a selfish heart at times, but I do try. I figure I can seek to give 100% every day. As so many people have given so much to me!

    HUGS!
    🙂

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