DOVE NOTE #18: Rational Security


(from the forthcoming book “Dove Notes”)
“A woman needs security like a man needs approval.”

I’ve heard this statement on several occasions. When it comes to getting things done, I’ve noticed that women are more likely to plan and men are more likely to procrastinate. Yes, I’m sure there are many men and women who are exceptions to this rule. But for the most part it’s pretty evenly divided by gender. Contentions arise when a woman’s inclination to plan collides with a man’s tendency to procrastinate. This can potentially spark an argument that will last for days.  Is there a way around this?? Of course!  But it requires a willingness to change your default behavior.

See, the key to avoiding this type of confrontation is for men to understand the underlying motivation for a woman’s actions. IMPORTANT: A woman feels most secure when she is confident in a man’s ability to handle responsibility. It makes her feel secure because she doesn’t have to worry about whether or not critical (or even non-critical) things will get done. Waiting for a man to handle business can cause her tremendous stress and raise her anxiety level to DefCon 4. You will both benefit from shifting your priorities to ensure the alleviation of her anxiety. Believe me… it works.  Following is an illustration of the concept.

The scenario plays out like this (based on a true story)… there’s a bill due 4 days from now and money needs to be deposited in the bank to cover the payment.

Day 1

(It’s 7:00am. She walks into the living room holding a few checks in her hand. She stops him just as he’s getting ready to head out the door for work.)

Her:Honey, can you deposit these checks in the bank so that I can pay the bill?” *She hands him the checks with a cute smile. Knowing full well the effect it has on his motivation.*

Him: “Sure babe. I’ll take care of that.” *He takes the checks and places them in his case, walking out the door.*

(Notice he didn’t give an indication of when he’d take care of it. But I assure you that in that moment, regardless of how non-committal his response may have been, she fully and completely understood him to mean he’d do it that day. Fast forward to 5:00pm. He walks through the door after getting home from work and sees his wife with that same smile from this morning and realizes what he did not do.)

Her: “Welcome home, honey. Did you deposit the checks today?”

Him: “Doh!  My day was so hectic I never even made it to the bank.”

Her:  “Well, I need those checks to go in or I can’t pay the bill that’s due in 3 days!” *Her face looks a bit panic-stricken. He’s seen that face before. It’s the dog-house face.*

Day 2

(Before he leaves for work, she provides a “gentle” reminder.)

Her: “Don’t forget to deposit the checks, honey.” *There’s a subtle but unmistakable hint of irritation in her voice.*

Him: (smiles) “See you when I get home babe.”

(he returns from work after a long day and as soon as he walks through the door, he hears…)

Her: “You didn’t deposit those checks, did you?’

Him: (with a raised brow)”Actually, I did.”

Her: (all googly eyed) “Awww… really??”

See, crises averted.  Had you not done this, her anxiety would quickly escalate to a critical level and propel you both into an ocean of harsh words and hurt feelings in which you would certainly drown. Granted, you could become all indignant about the fact that she assumed you didn’t take care of depositing the checks. But what would be beneficial about that? Truth is, a woman’s love is responsive. You will often receive over and above what you invest in her.

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Categories: Dove Note, marriage, relationships, Series | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “DOVE NOTE #18: Rational Security

  1. You should write a book!

    • Thanks! This is actually part of a book I’m currently writing! I have to give credit to my wife though, for helping with my “education” on these topics. 😉

      • Great! It’ll be a bestseller every Valentine’s Day. (Wives will be buying as a special gift for their husbands.)

  2. TheOthers1

    It’s scary how accurate you are. Very observant.

  3. I want to buy it then force everyone to read it LEARN MEN LEARN!!!!

    If I feel like I have something important and I need help and no one is listening I am going to freak out to the level of possibly causing a brawl. Just sayin’. If I say it’s important it’s important. End of story.

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